Thursday, January 28, 2010

Soul Searching

So life as I know it has rapidly changed over the course of the last few months. Some may say for the better. Some may say for the worse. I'm going to be optimistic and say for the better. I went through a terrible god damn breakup that I truly can't even explain or find answers. I'll tell you what. That was the hardest time that I have ever went through. I felt true love for the first time in my entire life. Not just the downs but the ups as well. Love that I apparently wasn't ready for at all. I walked through fire and I got burned. All of this I guess helped me find things on my own. It gave me a chance to figure things out for myself. Whether the outcome really benefited me or not I still can't figure it out and I think about it every god damn day. The only questions I ask in life are why? People say everything happens for a reason and the only thing I'm left on is finding reasoning to reason, if that makes any sense?It sucks when you look at certain situations when you fucked up and you can't believe yourself. It sucks on the strongest level when you let yourself down knowing your capable of doing better or handling situations better. Going back in time and changing things is fucking impossible and I wish it wasn't. Now I sit here asking what if? How? Basically the most impossible questions that could keep you tossing and turning all night and the only one can answer them is no one, so it turns into pointless stress on yourself. Well thats what happens when your a head case I guess. Life is a very very long road. Ive traveled on it for 22 years and I have made the wrong turns more than once. I've made the wrong turns more than I can count. Ill still say that I'm learning. Who isn't? Learning how to live. Society throws all of these things down your throat and your are expected to live one way. I live life like a degenerate some days. Hell who's to say how I live is wrong? It's all up to you. Ask yourself questions. Are you a good person? Do you deserve what you have? What are you working for? What are you striding for? I'm often a big ball of thought mixed with a bag of confusion. My thoughts are rapid and I'm thinking a mile a minute but I don't quite have any answers. In life I mean well and I'm going to better myself. Ive learned one thing about relationships and its that you have to be 100 percent happy with yourself and content with where you are in life to make another person happy. Learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Well, I simply do not love myself. That's where change comes in. Change. A word that means so much. Could be good. Could be bad. I need to change for the better. These endless benders aren't helping me concentrate on the happiness I can truly achieve. I have a lot of goals in life and expectations that I set for myself which is new to me. I've went from nonchalant to aggressive. Everything I give from here on out will be 100 percent. I am 100 percent sure that I want to be happy and do right. Overcoming demons and bitterness towards others is the hardest part. Life is a game. You live and you learn. Soul searching till I find my way. The places you have come to fear the most.

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